The Birth of Remy

They say that a mom's intuition is normally right and on June 14th I knew that the next day I was going to go into labor with Remy and that she would be born on her due date, June 16th. There was nothing physically different with my body, but as Dan left for work that night I told him what my gut feeling was and that I would keep him updated.

I went to bed around 11pm that night.  The previous few nights were really difficult as I couldn’t find any comfortable position and between the reflux and frequent trips to the bathroom I wasn’t surprised when I was up at least every 30 minutes between 11-3am. At 3:30am I texted Dan that I wasn’t sleeping and that I felt like things were changing in my body.  I had lost a lot of mucus, a little blood, and was having persistent back pain.  I felt like this was the start but felt silly having him come home early and have it be nothing but we made the decision for him to come home so he could get some sleep in case it progressed into something more.  He came home at 5am and I was in the bathtub trying to make the back pain go away but instead I started to realize that the back pain was coming in waves and I was almost certain at this point that my intuition was right and labor was starting.

 

Dan tried to sleep and since I couldn’t, I decided to just walk around the house until it was later in the morning and I could text my doula, photographer, and call the midwife to let them know.  At 8:20am I called the midwife on call and let her know that I thought I was in labor and wondered if I should be checked to see if my water was leaking since I was GBS positive and needed to start antibiotics if so.  At 11 we went to the Birth Center to be checked and while I had lost a lot of mucus I hadn’t broken my water.  I was 2cm and 80% effaced and definitely having contractions, just very mild and all in my back.

We went back home so Dan could get some sleep and our desire was to labor at home for as long as possible. Dan slept a little and while the pain in my back was getting more intense, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle on my own.  I took another bath, watched Netflix, talked a little on the phone, and walked through each contraction.  At about 3:45pm I woke Dan up as I felt like I needed a little more support.  We spent some time together, facetimed family, went on a walk, timed contractions, and said “I can’t believe this is happening” a thousand times. It was a sweet time.  I didn’t think I needed my doula Sheree’s support until my contractions were 4 minutes apart lasting one minute for an hour and I started to throw up after a wave and that time came at about 7:45pm.  However, once she arrived the waves were closer together and we all felt like maybe we should head to the birth center since I needed to get two doses of antibiotics in, spaced 4 hours apart.

The drive over was rough.  The pain was still only in my back and laboring in the car was really tough.  My midwife Rachel met us at the birth center and I felt a calm wash over me.  We were there and it was time and I was so ready.  Rachel checked me but I asked not toknow.  I didn’t want to know how far along or how not far along I was to affect how I labored.  Looking back, I am more than grateful I didn’t know as I was only 4cm! Rachel told me that I was not in active labor and that we could wait an hour to start an IV and I remember thinking “oh man, she must think I have at least 5 more hours of this!” It’s funny looking back because I had WAY more than 5 hours of labor left.  There was also a little bit of hesitancy in trusting Rachel immediately because she was new and I had only met her once before and she was the least experienced Midwife at the practice. She ended up being an incredible midwife. She made me feel so safe and calm.

For the next few hours I labored in and out of the tub.  The best positions for me were leaning over the bed, a wall, or in the tub with Sheree putting counter pressure on my hips and Dan using this small massager in the middle of my back at the same time. I felt in control and strong until about 3 in the morning.  I started to get so frustrated that labor felt like it wasn’t progressing because Remy was in the posterior position and the pain was getting worse.  I asked to be checked and when Rachel said I was 7cm dilated I was devastated.  I screamed out and cried a little.  I didn’t know how I was going to go on with no energy and I still had so much progress to make.  I asked for Rachel to break my water even though I knew that could make the waves much harder and maybe have Remy drop lower into a hard position to turn, but I didn’t care.  I just wanted to progress, no matter what.  Sheree and Rachel wanted me to try positions to turn Remy first so we started doing the ‘Three Sisters’ positions and that was so hard, maybe the hardest part of my labor.  I was exhausted and while I felt like I needed the counter pressure and massager during each contraction I had to let them help me do each position, despite the incredible pain.

The pain continued in my back after the positioning and I knew Remy had not turned.  I was so frustrated and asked again for Rachel to break my water.  She did around 5:30am and I felt an instant relief of pressure.  The amniotic fluid had light meconium in it but no one was overly concerned, but I knew now that I couldn’t deliver in the water to avoid the risk of meconium aspiration.  I then made my way to the shower.  I realized immediately after my water broke that the waves were coming faster and stronger, just when I thought they couldn’t get any stronger.  I was exhausted but the water on my back felt good and I just kept making my way through each wave and calling out to God to be near and to help me.  It’s what I had to turn to, as my own ability was completely gone.  

I continued to labor, but everyone could tell I was fading.  Remy was healthy but I was spent.  I felt a little bit like I had to push so I started to try in the tub and it felt like my body was half helping, half not.  I was checked once more and I was 9.5cm and although she tried, Rachel couldn’t push that last bit of cervix over Remy’s head. I was told to stop pushing so I didn’t cause swelling.

I was so tired.  I kept asking what I was going to do and every time someone would answer “you’re just going to get through the next contraction” and I would hang on their every word, looking anywhere for strength.  They decided at 8:30 to hook my IV up to fluids and give me a dose of phenergan.  The phenergan was to help with my vomiting and maybe help me rest between contractions.  At this point, a nurse walked in, Jessica, to place a new IV as I had lost mine.  I hadn’t met Jessica before but she grabbed onto my arms and said to me “we are going to get your baby out, you can do this.” While everyone else had been so great all night, we were all so tired and I felt like Jessica’s energy was just what I needed at that time. I felt like I could do it.  She started my IV, gave me the phenergan and I lay down in bed.  

Things started to get so fuzzy at this point.  The phenergan was making me tired and loopy and I felt like I had been drugged.  The midwives wanted me to try a few more position changes but I felt like I could barely walk, talk, or function.  I finally got out of bed to try to move in different ways but when I stood up, I passed out and Dan caught me.  All of a sudden the mood in the room completely shifted.  The whole time everyone was reminding me how safe I was but now everyone was panicked and said I needed to transfer to the hospital.  They thought all of my energy was gone and I needed to be transferred for maternal exhaustion.  This part of my labor was so hard because in my mind I still had some strength.  I felt like I could keep going, however, the words in my head were not coming out the way I needed them to.  Instead I was speaking nonsense, making everyone more convinced that I had to go to the hospital to get an epidural and rest.  I didn’t want that but instead of explaining that it was the phenergan making me this way and not the exhaustion, I was saying crazy things to the midwife like “you’ve only read one book” as if that was the reason she wanted to transfer me. It felt like there was a drunk girl trying to communicate my thoughts!  It was so frustrating, I felt like I was trapped in my own body.

They started the transfer and I was refusing.  Then the midwife Catey who had just gotten there to start her shift walked in and looked at me and told me to tell her what was happening.  I was so grateful to see her because I needed someone new in there to listen and I really loved Catey my whole pregnancy.  I told my mind to slow down and work hard at getting my words out correctly. I told her that I needed help, that I felt like I was 10cm dilated and I needed to push.  I was actively trying to fight against it because everyone was saying I was 9.5cm.  I told her that I wanted and needed to stay and push my baby out.  She told me she would have Rachel check me one more time and I was so grateful. 

Rachel came in and checked me once more.  She didn’t say anything for a few seconds and I was so nervous.  However, she finally said to me, “Ally, the next time you feel a contraction, I want you to reach down and touch your baby.” I was so shocked and that moment felt like heaven.  I was elated and kept saying “I was right? I was right?” and everyone was so happy.  It was one of the most emotional moments of my whole life.  She was right there and I knew I was about to meet her and while I was so tired I was so ready for this next phase of labor.  

It was about 10:30am at this point and I started to push with each wave.  I was on my hands and knees and the pushing, while it wasn’t comfortable, it felt good because I knew I was making progress and that felt so amazing.  I would push harder past the point of what I thought was tolerable with each wave. I felt her coming and could feel her head.  They said she had so much hair and all I wanted was to see it for myself but I didn’t want to look at the mirror, I wanted to wait until she was here.  I saw them starting to set up the equipment for her arrival and had Dan get into a position to catch her.  I can barely remember, but Dan said I yelled out as her head came through.  It was so intense.  After her head came out I pushed a few more times and her body came out at 11:27am. It was incredible.  Words fall short here, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain it.  It felt like it was taking so long for Dan to hand her to me.  I heard a cry and I was trying to turn to see her, I just wanted to know what she looked like. It makes me so emotional to even think of it now.  I still cannot believe any of this happened.  Dan helped to put her on my chest and in that moment everything went away.  I was filled with so much love and emotion, unlike anything else.  I didn’t understand, and I still don’t, how God had given me this gift and that I was finally holding her. She was perfect.  She was so beautiful and every detail was so perfect on her and it was all I could

think of.

As I held her in those first few moments I felt something rush out of me.  I thought maybe it was my placenta but when the midwife lifted up the blanket it was covered in blood.  This part gets a little fuzzy for me because I was losing so much blood.  I heard the midwife say I needed to push the placenta out and I tried.  It came out pretty easily but so did more blood.  Jessica was massaging my fundus so hard and I tried pushing her away.  I remember thinking that she was upsetting Remy and I just wanted to sit there in that dream-like state and not worry about anything else.  They also said that I needed pitocin and I tried to say no, but there wasn’t convincing anyone of that as I was losing more blood, huge clots, and my vision and hearing were fading.  They gave me the pitocin and I stopped bleeding.  I stayed in bed for a long time after that and the first time I tried to stand I lost a little more blood and my hearing and vision were fading again.  I didn’t realize how much I had lost at that time but it turns out I had lost about a liter.

  

The next few hours were so incredible. I was cared for so well by Rachel, Jessica, and Chance who had shown up to stitch up a small superficial tear I had in the front. Luckily I had no significant tears which has made recovery so much easier.  Everyone helped me shower, eat, and soak in the first few moments with Remy.  They brought us snacks, made us lunch, and later bought us dinner.  I had steak to try to help replenish my blood loss as my heart rate had continued to stay very elevated even at rest. I wanted to cry that whole time out of pure joy.  It felt like a dream.  I couldn’t believe I had done it, the whole time with Sheree and Dan praying for me, reading scripture, and encouraging me with every push.  Dan had been so sick during the second half of my labor because he felt helpless and anxious that I was so exhausted.  But even through that, he was everything I needed.  He was so encouraging and I can still hear his voice coaching me through each wave and telling me I was doing a good job.  I needed everyone in that room the whole time.  I needed Sheree for counter pressure and her calm encouraging voice. Her hands so rarely left my body as she carefully led me through each moment of my labor.  I needed Monet and her partner Lindsey for their encouragement and constantly reminding me how beautiful and strong I looked.  I needed Rachel for her calmness and her professional side, reassuring me that my baby was healthy and I was safe.  I needed Jessica for when she walked in with her energy and her assurance that I could really do it.  I needed Catey to listen to me and be a strong voice in the room when everyone else was unsure.  I needed Chance to delicately take care of me post birth and pre birth when I first went into labor.  I don’t want to ever forget that.  I don’t want to ever forget that every time I said “The Lord is my strength, I lack nothing” that He really did give me the strength to get through each wave.  As each hour went by I was getting stronger and not weaker.  I felt that in a strange way I cannot explain.  Each wave was harder than the next but somehow I was able to do it.  Everyone in that room was so strong.  I remember at one point being in the tub and looking up at the women surrounding me and feeling like I was part of the most special thing this world could offer me.

I could go on and on.  My mind is unable to really wrap around all that happened and everything I felt.  And now I have Remy.  I think she is the most perfect thing I have ever laid eyes on.  She reminds me of me and of Dan in different ways. Half me, half him.  I will never get over that. I am so grateful for the way she came into this world.  I don’t think that my birth was amazing because it was unmedicated, I think it was amazing because it was strong and powerful and spiritual.  I think it was amazing because Remy came from it.  I think it was amazing because I had prepared so much for that day and it came and it went the way I had wanted.  It was almost 30 hours of labor total.  14 hours of really intense laboring.  It was exhaustion and it was joy and I’ll never be able to thank God for what he gave me through the process.